Best Joke of the Year

New Skin

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Law Student

UK Immigration Officer talks with new trainee : "You will find that 80% of M'sians come to UK to study Law"

Trainee : "Really .......?? We must have really good Law institutions here then.......?"

Officer: "You know, there ought to be a lot of lawyers in Malaysia."

Trainee: "Oh, really......? That's really something I never knew. Hard to believe. In fact, Malaysia is not a big country, I've been there., you know."

Officer: "I'll prove it to you. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along and I'll bet he's here to study Law.

Trainee waits for the next influx of visitors at the immigration check point. After going through a few passports he finally chanced upon a M'sian passport.

Trainee: " Mr Chong Ah Kow, welcome to Britain. Please state the purpose of your visit"

Mr Chong Ah Kow :" Study lorr....."

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Don't test woman

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, six in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

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Choosing Wife

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng . The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?

Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most

Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna go to skool also easy

Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!

Ahkew : Why dunwan?

Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE! " Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!

Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian

Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la?

Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?

Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

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Big Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!'

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Baby

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Tech Support Jokes

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Some short dirty jokes

Friends

Friends are like underwear, always a comfort.
Good friends are like condom always protecting.
Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down. ______________________________________________________

The sad life of a penis

"I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an a**hole and my best friend's a pu**y." ______________________________________________________

Engineering

Why are WOMEN are regarded as the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?
Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE!
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Make Love

Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".
Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT",
but make love to a bus conductor, she will say,

"MASUK DALAM LAGI!!"
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Condom size

Man: I wanna buy condom
Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size?
Salesgirl : Give him a 'M'. Wait...
Salesgirl : Give him 'L'..
Salesgirl : wait...give him 'XL'...
Salesgirl : Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE..... ______________________________________________________

Sex?

An Arab interview at the US Checkpoint.
Officer: Your name please?
Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz
Officer: Sex? Arab
Guy: Six times a week.
Officer: I mean male or female?
Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel.
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Reincarnation

Dracula asks God "May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!"
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Oil Helps?

Teacher : Why you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching?
Student : Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in.
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Old Vs Young

British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had baby every year and bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black". ______________________________________________________

Wife Fault Not Mine

A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he has penis cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife with anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!"
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Milking Machine

Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
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Breasts

Teacher : Why do cow look depressed when being milked?
Student : Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours but don't f**k you, how would you feel?
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Penis

Woman asked god to make the penis pretty. He said no way. Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it.

Xmas Special Jokes

Cheap questions

A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps bugging her until she agrees. He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a Question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of independence?"

She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a Hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives Up and gives her $50.

The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.

Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?" Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a$5.00 bill.
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Sabotaging speech

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. _____________________________________________________

Mistakes

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a newinvention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"

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Filling up application form

In filling out an application for a job, Jill was puzzled for a long time over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident."

Finally she wrote, "Anybody in sight."

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The cost of bullying the weak

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up...... and drink my poison..."

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The right medicine

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired. An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."

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THE KINGS CAMELOT

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?""Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis."Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

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Smart MUM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

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What a coincidence

The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?" asked the woman. "I switched cocks." Said the man.

"What a coincidence!" she replied

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Three times are allowed

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I Committed adultery." Priest "How many times?" Woman "Three times."

Priest "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest "What did you do?"

Woman "I committed adultery." Priest "How many times?" Woman "Three times." Priest "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi "What did you do?" Woman "I committed adultery." Rabbi "How many times?" Woman "Just once." Rabbi "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $ 5."

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Birthday and a surprise...

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." ;

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you do n't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into thebedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch..........NAKED

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Latest news!
Tom Cruise is in love with a thai princess but the King will not allow their marriage unless Tom Cruise changes his name to "Tom Yam".
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Sick lady

A lady visited her doctor again.

Doc said "You look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?"

Lady "What? I thought you said 3 males a day!"
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A priest and his chicken

A priest lost his hen & asked during mass.

"Anyone got a cock?" All men stood up.

He said again "I mean anyone seen a cock?" All women stood up.

He said again " I meant anyone seen my cock?"

All nuns stood up.
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Christmas Tree

Quiz : One for the women - What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man ?

Answer : A Christmas tree stays up for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
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Epitaph

An old lady aged 85, a virgin, was about to die.

She wanted her tombstone to read "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. "

The engraver shortened it to "RETURNED UNOPENED "
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OLD LADY FARTING!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

" The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing .
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Punked ! by a nun
A nun gets on a train and noticed a skinhead opposite her is eating a bag of prawns.He starts spitting the prawn heads at her. She throws the heads out of the window and pulls the emergency cord.

The skinhead says "you'll get fined GBP50 for that u stupid slut".

The nun replies = "when I cry "RAPE!!" and the authorities smell your fingers you'll get 10 years, u stupid punk".
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Bar talk

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"Mike replied, "When it was over," "she came to me on her hands and knees.""Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"
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God's Car Yard
Three guys died and when they got to the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Your answers will determine what kind of car you will get up here."

Then he asked the first man if he ever cheated on his wife. The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but the priest said I was forgiven." St Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Corolla for you."

The second guy told St Peter: "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but I was faithful thereafter." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that you repented. Here's an HSV for you."

The third guy said, "I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you."

A little while later, the two guys with the Corolla and the HSV saw the guy with the Jaguar crying, so they went over to see what was the matter.When they asked him what was wrong, he tearfully said, "I just saw my beloved wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Moral of the story

Once upon a time, and far far away lived a Beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick. The Dragon Slayer, knew that the penaltyFor his desire would be death, should he try to touch them.One day, Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio, the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick, the Dragon Slayer, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,The itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio,The Physician, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick, the DragonSlayer,Would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer. Horatio, the Physician, then slipped Nick, the Dragon Slayer, The antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly putInto his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick,The Dragon Slayer, left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick, the Dragon Slayer,Found Horatio, the Physician, demanding his payment of1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick, the Dragon Slayer,Couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio, the Physician, could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio, the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story

Pay your bills

Weekend Special

Worst when you

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
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Clever president

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
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Are you calling me?

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''
''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''
Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''
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Without glasses makes a different

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
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Borrow and Return

Two couples were playing cards. Bill accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Doug's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Bill hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Bill went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Doug's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Bill admitted that, well, yes he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Bill indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Doug works Friday afternoons and Bill doesn't, Bill should come to her house around 2:00pm on Friday.

Friday came and Bill went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then Bill left. Doug came home about 6:00pm.

He asked his wife, "Did Bill come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Doug asked, "Did Bill give you $100?"

His wife thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Doug says. "Bill came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
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Wave towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
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Reading or Sex?

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked:" What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"

The husband said," No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.

Joke of the month.

Son of a bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "OH GOD YES FATHER, YES FATHER, OH GOD YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
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Dark in here?

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "25 dollars." Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "75 dollars."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "100 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
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The sons

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
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A good friend

Nine months ago Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
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Paid back

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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Cheaper plus rebate!

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have inter-course," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Funny Quesiton & Answer

Q: What makes a happy man?
A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing person

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both goes backward.. forward.. backward.. forward.. backward.. forward.. stop and eject..

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't
come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.

Q: 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
A: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful and Self-Organized.In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

Q: Who is a gynaecologist ?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.
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# 1
Husband climbs on the bed naked.
Wife: I have a headache.
Husband: Good! I have powdered it with aspirin. U want to take it orally or as an injection.

# 2
Three fastest means of communication:
1. Telephone
2. Television
3. Tell-a-woman

# 3
One day, DUREX complained to KOTEX: " Every time u work, I gotta 7 days off!"
KOTEX retorted: "Whenever u make a mistake during work, I gotta take 9 months leave".

# 4
A man called his 4th wife - Baby doll
3rd wife - China doll
2nd wife - Barbie doll
& 1st wife - Panadol

# 5
Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: "Look at that 75 kg of pure dynamite".
Wife replies: "It is a shame though about the 2 inches fuse".

# 6
Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you.
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.

# 7
Man tell MP: My son's a drug addict, my daughter's a prostitute, and my wife's a gambler.
MP: Isn't there anything positive in your family?
Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.

# 8
What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??
Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!!!

# 9
Naked girl boarded a taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scolded him, "Never seen a naked girl before?
Driver replied "Yes! Seen many before but wondering where you keep your money to pay taxi fare."