Monday weee!!!

Caught

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was rediculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one. She went completely ballistic. ''You impotent bastard,'' She screamed at him, ''how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: ''I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.''
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Ohh to be six

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms andthen took her off to the local theme park.What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's.

What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

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Girls are evils!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
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Heres a good story

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom , and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car
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Virgin Guy

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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Little Johnny Attitude

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So don't fucking give him one," said Little Johnny's mother.