Little Johnny is back!!!

Orientation In Heaven

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!______________________________________________________

Little Johnny Poking

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.
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Johnny's father smaller?

A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."

So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?" The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."

The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis!"

Johnny tells him, "Come on." So they both go into the boys room and Johnny pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"
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Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" he said. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long , but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of kotex for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's ruin, you may as well go fishing.'"
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My Pig

A guy goes out pubbing all night....gets really f....ked up and at one pub he drinks at (in the country) picks up a duck outside and takes it along with him from pub to pub.

Finally, drunk as a skunk he goes home taking the duck with him. He stumbles into his bedroom where his wife is sleeping ....turns the light on and walks up to the side of the bed....still holding the duck.

His wife opens her eyes and looks at the sorry sight in front of her..... The guy says.."what do you think of my pig" the wife says " you drunken asshole...thats not a pig it's a duck!!"

The guys says " shut up bitch .........I was talking to the duck "
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Shoes or Sex?

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?""Yes, both of them!"