Weekend Special
Worst when you
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
______________________________________________________
Clever president
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
______________________________________________________
Are you calling me?
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''
''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''
Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''
______________________________________________________
Without glasses makes a different
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
______________________________________________________
Borrow and Return
Two couples were playing cards. Bill accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Doug's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Bill hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Bill went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Doug's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Bill admitted that, well, yes he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Bill indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Doug works Friday afternoons and Bill doesn't, Bill should come to her house around 2:00pm on Friday.
Friday came and Bill went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then Bill left. Doug came home about 6:00pm.
He asked his wife, "Did Bill come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Doug asked, "Did Bill give you $100?"
His wife thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Doug says. "Bill came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
______________________________________________________
Wave towel
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
______________________________________________________
Reading or Sex?
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked:" What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"
The husband said," No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
______________________________________________________
Clever president
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
______________________________________________________
Are you calling me?
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''
''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''
Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''
______________________________________________________
Without glasses makes a different
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
______________________________________________________
Borrow and Return
Two couples were playing cards. Bill accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Doug's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Bill hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Bill went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Doug's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Bill admitted that, well, yes he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Bill indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Doug works Friday afternoons and Bill doesn't, Bill should come to her house around 2:00pm on Friday.
Friday came and Bill went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then Bill left. Doug came home about 6:00pm.
He asked his wife, "Did Bill come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Doug asked, "Did Bill give you $100?"
His wife thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Doug says. "Bill came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
______________________________________________________
Wave towel
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
______________________________________________________
Reading or Sex?
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked:" What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"
The husband said," No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.
posted by JJ at 1:19 PM
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