Xmas Special Jokes
Cheap questions
A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps bugging her until she agrees. He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a Question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of independence?"
She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a Hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives Up and gives her $50.
The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.
Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?" Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a$5.00 bill.
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Sabotaging speech
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. _____________________________________________________
Mistakes
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a newinvention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"
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Filling up application form
In filling out an application for a job, Jill was puzzled for a long time over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident."
Finally she wrote, "Anybody in sight."
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The cost of bullying the weak
This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up...... and drink my poison..."
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The right medicine
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired. An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."
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THE KINGS CAMELOT
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?""Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis."Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.
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Smart MUM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
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What a coincidence
The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman. "I switched cocks." Said the man.
"What a coincidence!" she replied
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Three times are allowed
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I Committed adultery." Priest "How many times?" Woman "Three times."
Priest "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest "What did you do?"
Woman "I committed adultery." Priest "How many times?" Woman "Three times." Priest "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi "What did you do?" Woman "I committed adultery." Rabbi "How many times?" Woman "Just once." Rabbi "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $ 5."
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Birthday and a surprise...
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." ;
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you do n't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into thebedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch..........NAKED
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Latest news!
Tom Cruise is in love with a thai princess but the King will not allow their marriage unless Tom Cruise changes his name to "Tom Yam".
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Sick lady
A lady visited her doctor again.
Doc said "You look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?"
Lady "What? I thought you said 3 males a day!"
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A priest and his chicken
A priest lost his hen & asked during mass.
"Anyone got a cock?" All men stood up.
He said again "I mean anyone seen a cock?" All women stood up.
He said again " I meant anyone seen my cock?"
All nuns stood up.
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Christmas Tree
Quiz : One for the women - What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man ?
Answer : A Christmas tree stays up for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
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Epitaph
An old lady aged 85, a virgin, was about to die.
She wanted her tombstone to read "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. "
The engraver shortened it to "RETURNED UNOPENED "
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OLD LADY FARTING!
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
" The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing .
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Punked ! by a nun
A nun gets on a train and noticed a skinhead opposite her is eating a bag of prawns.He starts spitting the prawn heads at her. She throws the heads out of the window and pulls the emergency cord.
The skinhead says "you'll get fined GBP50 for that u stupid slut".
The nun replies = "when I cry "RAPE!!" and the authorities smell your fingers you'll get 10 years, u stupid punk".
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Bar talk
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"Mike replied, "When it was over," "she came to me on her hands and knees.""Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"
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God's Car Yard
Three guys died and when they got to the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Your answers will determine what kind of car you will get up here."
Then he asked the first man if he ever cheated on his wife. The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but the priest said I was forgiven." St Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Corolla for you."
The second guy told St Peter: "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but I was faithful thereafter." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that you repented. Here's an HSV for you."
The third guy said, "I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you."
A little while later, the two guys with the Corolla and the HSV saw the guy with the Jaguar crying, so they went over to see what was the matter.When they asked him what was wrong, he tearfully said, "I just saw my beloved wife and she was on a skateboard!"
posted by JJ at 11:51 PM
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